Chapter 4


Lately I been trying to be a better person. I been going to church alot and been praying to change. I should've ran to God sooner, because he's the only one who can help me, especially in situations like this....Monicka was on her 4th month, she was getting big. She looked so beautiful pregnant- she was glowing and everything, I made it my duty to be at every doctors visit and stuff. I was really trying, I even prayed her and Felisha would get along because Felisha figured out it was me who got Monicka pregnant she flipped out. But lately they're even getting along, which is good. But Monicka was still very distant, she hardly ever talks which is maybe why there haven't been any arguements. Sometimes she's so silent to the point it scares me. But she always says she's fine so I never question her, I'm trying to give her her space.

I woke up this morning in a cold sweat, in a heart rush. The radio alarm came on and "If you think you're lonely now" By: Jodeci was on. I haven't heard that song in years...After I got dressed I decided to call my mother.

"So hows Monicka doing, I miss her." My mom said.

"She's fine." I told her. (She doesn't know I raped her, she thought the pregnancy was something we mutually wanted.)

"Is she still very quiet?" She asked.

"Yeah, I don't know how to get thru to her ma." I said.

"Maybe you should go talk to her." My mother advised me.

"Yeah you're right." I mentioned.

I drove to Monicka's place to go talk to her like a mature adult. Like I should have in the beginning. Once I got to her place the door was slightly open, I walked in looking for her. As I got closer to the back I heard the same Jodeci song. Once I got to the bathroom and walked in my heart dropped. There I stood and saw Monicka wearing a white tee shirt laying in the bathtub. The water was still running and she was under the water. I rushed down to her as fast as I could, I saw an empty bottle on the floor prescribed for sleeping pills and there was a close to empty bottle of Scotch in the bathtub next to her. She looked so pale but yet peaceful. It was the first time I seen her that way in a long long time. I flopped on the floor in a panic and looked up and saw a note on the edge of the sink. I got up to read it.

"Dear whomever finds me,
Have you ever been in heaven one moment and hell the next? But by the time you got to hell you couldn't find yourself out. In the beginning my life was so blissful, I thought I was so blessed. But all my blessing seemed to turn into a curse. There was a point where I felt so alone and I couldn't turn to anyone, not even God. Which I know he should've been the one I first ran to, the only one I should've confided in. Because at the end of the day God is the only one that can help me get thru anything. And I'm just now realizing that, but I knew all along but I got so deep I felt I couldn't do it all alone. Even though I am pregnant and I figured my baby would be a blessing in disguiese, I just didn't want to bring my child into the world I'm living in. And I wasn't bold enough to get an abortion...I love my child I do but I couldn't have the baby then commit suicide, how selfish would that be. I wouldn't want my baby to grow up in the world alone. I've been alone and it doesn't feel good. So I'm going to take a risk and make a change and hopefully me and my child can live in paradise now, I hope God will give me mercy and forgiveness on the other side. Love me reguardless of what I'm doing, God please forgive me and if me and my child don't end up in the same place on the other side please tell them I am sorry, I honestly didn't mean to hurt them. I just figured this was best, for all of us....I love you and goodbye."


Once I got done reading this letter, my heart crumbled into pieces. This was all my fault, all of it. I feel like shit and this I should. How could I hit the woman I loved, How could I cheat on the woman I loved, How could I rape the woman I loved and expected her to love me reguardless of the things I do and say....Oh my God I didn't love her, if I did I would've known how to love her in return...The right way. But I couldn't even do that...What the fuck is wrong with me?


The day of the funeral


Today I am half empty...Today I am lost. I don't know who I am anymore. I sit looking at a casket with the most beautiful woman laying there with holding our child...A child I'm never going to meet. I was so angry, angry I couldn't see my child...angry I couldn't see Monicka anymore. I couldn't hold her, couldn't hear her voice anymore. This was all my fault. It was time to walk around and say our last goodbyes, I walked up to her, she was laying so gentley with her hands folded across her belly as if she was holding her belly waiting for the baby to kick or something. She looked like she was sleeping and having a great dream. i wanted to lay next to her and wait for her to wake up. I touched her soft hands and her tummy and kissed her on the lips, and slowly started to cry, the first time I cried in years....The church was packed, so many people loved her, her former boyfriend was there as well. Everyone hated me there, they blame for Monicka killing herself. I never felt so much hatred in one room at once, it was crazy. I felt like killing myself at this moment. I had to get out of there before decided to kill me, seriously. I made a vow to myself that day, I'm going to raise Tyler better than I was, so he would never turn out to be like me and end up in the same place I am; alone.....They say you don't know what you have until its gone. Now I know what they're talking about.


R.I.P. Monicka & our child.
--May God be with you both and you can finally spread your wings. Take care of our baby. I love both my angels.

Damn...that was soo sad.

But it was a good story.

Thank you!